Forgive Me
by Old Russian Lady
Summary: Red does something that brings Nicky back to her dark past. Can Nicky forgive Red?
1. Chapter 1

"Would you mind cracking open two more eggs. I need some more for this last omelet." Red explained, looking over her shoulder. She and Nicky were in the kitchen of their apartment on a Friday morning, making breakfast before work.

Red worked at a local bakery and Nicky worked as an intern for a pharmacist.

" _Really? An assistant to a pharmacist is the job they gave you?" Red was astounded when she got the news._

 _"_ _Well I told them I'm doing everything I can do stay clean and- "_

 _"_ _And surrounding you with drugs every day is a good idea they thought?"_

 _"_ _It pays really well. That's the only reason why I pushed for it. Anything more that I can make to contribute to the house, I'm going to try to do it."_

 _Red was touched at Nicky's sincerity, but had trouble believing this was a good idea._

 _It had been 1 year and 2 months since then. Nicky had stayed cleaned and showed no signs of going back._

"This all smells so good."

"And it'll taste even better. I'm surprised you wanted to help, to tell you the truth. You never want to cook." Red set the plates on the table while Nicky filled the glasses with orange juice.

"So maybe I'm feeling like a mama's girl today." Nicky shrugged with a smile on her face.

Red, getting that warm motherly feeling that only she could give her, walked over to Nicky and kissed her forehead, "I thought you always felt like a mama's girl?"

Nicky smiled at her mother. "Alright, you got me." They both started to giggle.

"So it's Friday night. Got any big plans for the weekend?" Nicky went on to say after they had started eating.

"Well actually, a couple of people from the bakery and I are headed down to the bar down the block." Red said this as casual as ever.

"Really, Ma? The bar?" Nicky was a little taken aback.

"What's wrong with that?" she asked in a mutual tone.

"It's just, you don't really do that. You're antidrug, I thought that included alcohol I guess." Nicky supposed there wasn't a problem with it, just that it was out of the ordinary. And it sort of reminded her of her childhood.

"It's a small birthday party one of them is having."

"Oh, ok." Nicky sort of mumbled.

"Hey." Red reached her arm across the table and put her hand on Nicky's. "I'll be careful." She gave a small smile and Nicky returned it. "I remember, umm, well." Nicky looked down and away from Red's eyes. She stopped speaking as she noticed Nicky's expression. "I won't have anything. I won't even stay for long. I'll just drop off the gift, chat for 10 minutes and say I have to run. They know I have a daughter, I'll just tell them I have to get back to you."

"I'm not a kid, Ma." Nicky said, crossing her arms.

"They don't know that; it'll be a fine excuse. And you'll always be a kid, a stubborn one, but my kid nonetheless." Red could see Nicky was not in the mood. "Well what are your evening plans? Have any?" Red got up from the table, clearing the plates and putting them into the dishwasher.

"There is a new series that starts tonight at 8 that I've been looking forward to starting. So I guess just that."

"That sounds like a relaxing evening." Red said mindlessly, her thoughts were on their previous conversation.

"I guess. But hey, tomorrow they are doing Shakespeare in the Park. Can we go?" Nicky wanted to know.

"Of course, whatever you'd like." She smiled at her daughter who had started towards her room once Red's sentence was finished.

They went about their day. Nicky cleaned some of the house while Red finished a book she had been reading. She would never tell Nicky, but the book was about how to parent a recovering addict. She never thought she would need guidance like that but ever since Nicky's last use, she became worried that Nicky's problem was too big for her to help her daughter. Luckily, Nicky hadn't had any urges in the past 6 months and had been completely clean for over a year. Red hoped it was all over, Nicky swore it was.

A couple of hours later, Red walked out of her bedroom and into the living where Nicky's show was about to begin.

"Alright, Nicky, I'm leaving." Red said, putting her purse over her shoulder.

"Ok, have fun." Nicky didn't even look up in her direction.

Red walked over to Nicky and grabbed her face, kissing her on the cheek.

"Get off of me." Nicky pulled away, almost laughing.

"No." Red knelt on the couch, pinning Nicky down, tickling her everywhere, using her daughter's laughter as motivation to continue.

"Stop!" Nicky yelled, laughing and smiling.

"Alright, alright." Red stood up, smiling. "You see Nicky; you are my kid. Just as silly, stubborn, and loving as any child."

"Yeah, ok, whatever." Nicky waved away, playfully, knowing that truer words couldn't have been spoken about her relationship with Red.

"I love you, I'll see you later." Red started walking toward the door when she heard her daughter call out, "How late are you going to be gone?"

"I'm not sure, no more than an hour or two, I promise. I'll be quick and careful." Red reassured.

"Ok, love you."

"Love you."

She was not yet home 4 hours later.


	2. Chapter 2

Nicky was fighting to stay awake. It was almost 1am but Red wasn't home yet. Nicky was as concerned as ever she was about Red. She had begun to call her about 2 hours ago but it only rang and rang. About 1 hour ago, it went straight to voicemail and Nick could only assume her phone had died.

She had been pacing for the past two hours. She would go out and find her but was too worried that Red might come home while she was gone. The last thing she needed was for Red to be worried about her.

She sat down on the couch, breaking from her countless circles around the living room, when she heard the door knob fiddling. For a quick second, fear surged through her body, what if someone was breaking in? Relief went through her body when she heard keys being put into the key hole. A couple of seconds later, the door still hadn't opened. Knowing it was Red, she walked over to the door and opened it slowly.

Sure enough, Red had the keys in her hand, standing there. Nicky looked her up and down making sure she wasn't hurt or anything. She looked to be ok, but she was drunk, something Nicky hoped would not have happened.

"Have fun?" Nicky asked, reaching for her hand to bring her inside.

"Sure did." Red slurred.

"Come on inside, Ma." Nicky lead her to Red's bedroom but Red stopped and leaned against the couch.

"I'll sleep here." Red looked around the room.

"No, Ma, you can't sleep there. Do you want some water?" Nicky steadied her with an arm around her.

"No."

"Well, whether you want it or not, you need to drink it. You'll feel better, trust me. Let me bring you to your bed. C'mon." Nicky started to walk towards her bedroom but Red stayed put.

"Ma, you need to go to your bed. I'll help you, c'mon." Nicky tugged on her arm a bit and Red raised her hand.

"You don't tell me what to do!" Red yelled at Nicky, and faster than she could see coming, Red slapped Nicky hard enough to send her falling to the floor, her ring cutting her cheek.

Nicky laid on the ground, staring up at her. She raised a very shaky hand to her cheek, she looked at her finger tips and saw blood. Nicky looked back up to the woman who was towering above her. It wasn't Red.

Nicky said nothing. She took a second to gather her strength and started to stand up, fearing the next move of the now terrifying woman in front of her. She kept eye contact for fear of missing a sign of more to come. Thankfully there was none. She was able to slip into her room, locking the door behind her which is something Red and her had agreed neither of them would ever do in case of an emergency.

Nicky leaned against the door, listening for sounds that would let her know whether or not Red made it to her bedroom. Her ear pressed against the door, she felt a drop of liquid fall onto her foot. Looking down, she saw it was a mix of blood and tears. She sighed and some more tears fell.

Knowing she would never hurt her but realizing she just did, Nicky unlocked her bedroom door because that is what her and her mother agreed on doing. She walked over to her bed, got in and curled up, trembling, not being able to fall asleep for quite some time. It wasn't Red that hit her.

The next morning had come and Nicky still laid on her side with her knees up to her chest, her cut cheek facing down on the pillow. She heard a knock on the door and tensed up real fast.

"Nicky, are you awake?" Red's voice was quiet and gentle. "It's 11 o 'clock, I have coffee made." She heard Red sniffle and her voice start to crack. "I want to see you." Red slowly opened the door. She walked only two feet into the room. "Nicky?"

"Go away." Nicky said, her back facing Red.

"I just want to talk to you." She could tell that Red had either been crying or was about to start.

"Get out." Nicky said, raising her voice ever so slightly.

"Nicky, I wanted to tell you- " Red chocked on her words as the lump in her throat became bigger and bigger.

"Get the fuck out!" Nicky yelled, very loudly and she heard Red leave, closing the door behind her.

Red walked to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee and did her best not to cry. She brought it to the table and sat there for hours, leaving the coffee untouched.


	3. Chapter 3

Nicky stayed in her bed for she didn't know how many hours.

It hurt. Physically and emotionally. It wasn't Red that hit her, Red would never do that. It was Marka. Marka hit her last night. When Nicky was knocked to the floor, her face burning from the pain it just endured and burned from, she was put back. Back to a time when Marka came home, every Friday and Saturday night, drunk out of her mind, escorted by whatever lucky man happened to be with her for that night. Nicky was hit, slapped, punched countless times. She didn't know just how many. But it was enough to hurt her more than they actually did.

Last night was different and yet it was the same. Different because it was Red but the same because it was her mother.

Nicky's mind kept going over what to say to Red and then decided that she should just listen to what Red had to say.

Breaking her train of thought, she heard a soft knock on the door.

"Nicky? Are you awake?" Red asked, knowing full well she was awake, it was 3:00pm. "May I come in, please?"

"Ok." Nicky braced herself for what was going to happen. She knew Red wouldn't ever hit her, but her words could hurt more than any hit could, that Nicky knew firsthand. Nicky continued to face the wall, on her side.

Red was in her room standing next to Nicky's bed, hovering over her. "Please don't yell at me." She whispered.

"Ok." Was all Nicky said.

"Would you face me? Please look at me." Red pleaded softly.

Nicky laid still for a moment, contemplating Red's request.

"I'm sorry. I know what I did." Red's voice cracked.

Faster than she could think about what she was doing, she sat up on the bed and turned to face Red. Nicky felt the hatred rise in her, recalling last night in vivid detail.

"Are you? Are you fucking sorry? Do you really know what you did? You came home drunk, something you said you were not going to do! You told me you were going to be careful!"

Red let her tears fall freely, silently, standing before Nicky, completely still.

"And then you come home at what time? Was it 1 or 2 in the morning? You were only supposed to be gone for an hour or two, you said! I'm fucking worried sick! I have no idea where the hell you are! And then, you come rolling in like nothing is wrong. I help, I tried to help you- and you know what, that's the part that really fucking kills me about this whole damn thing- I try to help you, something I never did for her, and you hit me. You slapped me, your ring slicing my cheek, making me bleed. I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. Are you going to run to the kitchen and grab a knife? Try to kill me? What the fuck was I supposed to think?" Nicky yelled and cried.

"No, no, no" Red kept repeating, ever so softly, the entire time Nicky was talking, kneeling next to Nicky's bed, burying her face in her hands as if she were praying to God.

Nicky took some deep breaths as she watched Red's shoulders move up and down because of her sobs. After a few minutes, Red looked up.

"I did that to you…" It was Red's tone that allowed Nicky to tell she was talking about the psychological damage, even though she was looking at Nicky's cheek.

"Why? What happened to you?" Nicky was speaking at Red as if she were some homeless woman on the street who lost her way.

"Everybody was taking shots and I kept saying no. Eventually they got me to do it and I just lost track of time and everything…my god, Nicky I am so sorry…please…please forgive me?"

"You are no different than her."

This hurt Red's heart more than all of this. "Oh, don't you dare." Red found strength from she didn't know where as she turned into this girl's true mother right before her eyes. Red knew, the abuse Nicky took as a child from her birth mother was connected to the abuse she did to herself with drugs.

"I've helped you."

"So did she."

"I've taken care of you."

"So did she."

"I've given you countless chances."

"So did she."

"Where is she, Nicky?" Red stood up. Now Red was the one getting angry. Not angry at Nicky, but angry at Marka. Angry at her for allowing Nicky to sail so far away from the guidance and care and love she needed. Yes, Red was always angry at Marka. "Where is that woman?"

"I don't know." Nicky said, being honest.

"Where am I?" Red raised her voice.

Nicky was silent.

"Where am I, Nicky?" Red yelled. "Tell me where I am!"

"You're here. You're still here…with me."

"Yes! Like a goddamn mother should be! Don't you ever compare me to her!" Red yelled at Nicky, who seemed smaller than usual. And then, in a much softer and gentler tone, she whispered, "It hurts my heart when you say that, Nicky."

Surprising the both of them, Nicky grabbed Red's shoulders and pulled her in, throwing her arms around her neck and squeezing tight, like a little girl.

Red continued, "That means I'm doing something wrong, I don't want that to be the way you think of me."

"Yes." Nicky whispered in Red's ear.

"Yes, what?"

"I forgive you."


End file.
